Expression Ep. 1

*No real names were used in this piece*

Around this time last year, I woke up one morning to countless snapchat stories with my name plastered all over them for something I didn’t even know I did. “So this small girl thinks she can play her seniors, cool” Kojo’s story read, I will never forget the feeling in my chest as I read it. Kwame reposted and laughed; I just knew it was about me. Then and there, I knew my “social life” as I knew it was over.

I hated them the most because I loved them the most. I never thought two people I loved unconditionally would ever hurt me that much. Soon after, I can confidently say about 60 people joined in. I didn’t care about the rest as much as these two because I didn’t love any of them as much.

After that day, for about a year, I didn’t speak to either of them. The hate I had in my heart for them both was unbelievable. I didn’t think I could have that much hate for two human beings. I vowed to never speak to or look at either of them ever again. I didn’t understand how it was possible to hurt someone, whether a stranger or a friend, and not have a sudden urge to apologize.

Although it wasn’t the first time I had been bullied, I wished for it never to happen again: The first time was very traumatic for me. I felt like any and everyone around me was a stranger in some way. I regretted ever being born. Everyone at home noticed I had changed: I didn’t talk much, I was always alone in my room, I stopped leaving my house unless I was going out with them and I refused to eat most of the time(unfortunately, this is something I have grown with).

One day, my mother asked me what had happened and I broke down in tears, begging her to let me move schools. My sisters got involved and everyone told me to ignore it and smile through the pain. I honestly wish I could’ve switched lives with them because they clearly didn’t understand the severity of my situation.  I felt like no one actually cared about me.

A few months later, I started cutting myself on my back because I figured no one would see the scars there. My sister asked once and I told her I thought I’d be scratching myself in my sleep. I didn’t want to lie but I had to. To convince myself that what I was doing wasn’t wrong, I would tell myself that it was better than taking my life.

The bullying got worse over the months, I started getting death threats on Instagram which was scary for me. At this point, I didn’t know what I had done to deserve everything that had happened to me. All these thoughts began to draw me further away from God. I did not think there was a “merciful God” like everyone said, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that God, who loves me, could let all these things happen to me. Now, I know everything happens for a reason.

All I wanted was for life to come to a standstill, I just wanted everything and everyone to stop because I felt like it was all happening too fast. Everyone hated me and I hated myself. I didn’t want to exist anymore and most of all I did not want to be known everywhere I went as a “hoe”.

Everyone began using that word to refer to me and it was honestly very saddening for me. Being called names was something I never liked, even at home. Whether it was a joke or not, I didn’t like it, either way it felt like I was being made fun of.

On weekdays, after both incidents, I’d try my best to wake up early and finish everything I had to do at home on time because I thought getting to school early meant no one could use my absence as an excuse to gossip about me freely.

I loved to mingle but after all this, I became an extreme introvert. I’d get very scared walking with or past large groups of people and I hated crowded spaces because I felt like everyone’s eyes were watching me. No one was there for me through all this so I learnt the hard way that you came into this world alone, so live your life for you, then exit alone.

Severe bullying, I believe, was what triggered my anxiety. Now, I really do not like people in my space, I don’t enjoy the company of my peers most of the time and I really hate being hugged or anything like that (with a few exeptions) .

I make mistakes all the time and I’m judged by basically everyone around me for no reason at all. Letting people judge me has made me weak, reliant on people I shouldn’t rely on, selfish, bitter and extremely untrusting. Because of all these things, I take the smallest shred of love, attention and affection anyone shows/ give me and hang onto it. When they do me wrong, that’s what keeps me sane. Knowing at some point, they cared.

I’m not perfect. I’m still trying to find ways and means to communicate my emotions, to socialize, to trust people, to be mentally strong on my own, to be self-reliant and not to forgive as easily because it always always always causes me to let the wrong people back in my life: People who bully(ied) me, people who abandoned me and followed the crowd when I needed them the most, people who take me for granted, people who manipulate me and finally, people who do not have genuine love for me. I’m working on cutting people who do not add value to my life off, I’ll keep you updated 🥳🥳🥳🥳!